Part 2: Lost in Expectation

Note to the reader. This is the long overdue, Part Two of a story about Meghan and Tony.
Click here to read Part One.

Meghan lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the early morning sun lighting the small dorm room, shortening the shadows as the sun climbed higher. She placed her hands on her belly. It wasn’t swollen yet, but she rubbed it as she would a Buddha statue for good luck.

She picked the white pregnancy test stick off her nightstand and stared at the two lines she first saw yesterday in the dorm bathroom.

I’m pregnant.

I’ll be a mother.

And Tony, a father.

She shivered. Images of her own childhood flashed through her mind: swinging in a playground, playing Barbies and LEGOs, throwing a snowball at her sister. What kind of child will this be?

Her Korean immersion program at the Middlebury language school had been underway for six weeks. She could speak fluently enough to hold a conversation with her roommate Becca. And her leap forward in reading proficiency would help at work. But in the last day, she’d added important pregnancy vocabulary; words like nausea, headache, and excitement.

Despite her success at the school, communicating with Tony who was back at home in their little apartment in New York remained beyond challenging. She had honored her language pledge, only texting him in Korean and letting him translate into English, and asking him to send her Korean in response. It took forever to type all the characters correctly on her little phone screen, and it made their conversations short and stilted. I can’t tell him this news via text.

She got out of bed and started dressing for the day. I need to tell him in person. Make it special. Maybe she’d get a reservation at a fancy rooftop restaurant like Darling. Or take him for a picnic in Central Park, non-alcoholic wine for her. She snapped her fingers. A ferry trip to Staten Island—a ride with no distractions other than scenery.

Two weeks wasn’t too long to wait, was it? She’d be back home, speaking English again, and then she’d be able to tell him about the baby. It seemed cruel to tell him in texts he might not understand. And selfishly, she wanted to be there in person. To see his face. Hold his hand. Maybe she even needed to—she hoped he’d be happy—they had spoken about having children someday, but all that was a future theoretical, not an urgent reality.

She was sure of one thing. Babies needed everything. This new little life was going to change hers and Tony’s both. Could she still travel to Korea next year? Who would watch the baby? Would she even want to be away for a month?

Her hands strayed back to her belly, and she circled it slowly.

***

At the cafeteria breakfast, Meghan pushed food around on her plate; nothing appealed, everything caused a little spike of bile in her mouth. This part of pregnancy held no romance at all.

Becca placed a hand on her arm. “You need to eat something,” she said in Korean. “Would you like some toast? Jam would go well on top.”

“Perhaps only toast,” Meghan responded in Korean. “But I do not think this baby likes kimchi.”

Becca chuckled, then kept speaking in Korean. “You must eat. I will get it. And juice.” She pantomimed drinking.

Meghan started to say “herbal tea” but stopped herself. Korean only. She had no idea what the words for “herbal tea” were.

As Becca stood to fetch the toast, a shadow loomed over their table.

Meghan looked up at the man standing beside them and blinked twice. Was she seeing things? Were hallucinations a part of pregnancy she didn’t know about? She blinked again. “Tony?”

“Surprise!” he said, spreading his arms, but a concerned look shadowed his face.

“Tony?” Meghan repeated.

He sat down next to her and took her hand.

Becca questioned her with a look. Meghan responded in Korean. “Becca, this is Tony, my husband. He does not speak Korean.”

Becca bowed slightly to Tony. “Annyeonghaseyo,” before turning to Meghan, continuing in Korean, “Are you going to tell him?”

“That wasn’t my plan for today...”

Becca bowed slightly again and patted Meghan’s shoulder. “Good luck.”

“What was that all about?” Tony asked in English.

Heads swiveled from nearby tables to stare at him. “Shhh,” Meghan said. In Korean, she said, “We can’t speak in English.”

“Aren’t you glad to see me?” Tony asked. “I know you said you wanted eight weeks here, but I’m sorry, I just couldn’t wade through any more of those confusing texts.”

A classmate wagged a finger at Meghan from the neighboring table.

“I rented a car at 5 AM this morning to drive up and see you, and I have to be back by tomorrow morning,” he continued. “I’ve missed you.”

Meghan leaned over and kissed Tony in response, trying to convey her feelings with her lips. His lips pushed back as his hand grasped her shoulder, and a rush of warmth lit her body. After a few seconds, she pulled back, grabbed Tony’s hand and her backpack, and led him out of the dining hall.

The green of the leaves, the slight sway of the branches, the bird calls, and the crunch of gravel under their feet were the language of their walk. As they crested the rise, Meghan pulled them toward chairs in front of Mead Chapel, overlooking the sweep of lawn. Students of all ages walked past, speaking languages from around the world, gesturing with their hands to act out words they didn’t yet know.

She turned to face him and took a deep breath. “Hi.” The English word felt rusty on her tongue, like a language she’d forgotten.

“Finally!” Tony said. “I drove all the way up here and you wouldn’t even talk and—”

She put a finger to his lips to quiet him.

He pushed her finger away. “Meghan, what is going on?”

“I have something to tell you,” she said in English.

“Yeah, well, I want to know what’s going on. It’s been weeks with hardly a conversation. Just texts, and skimpy ones at that.”

The words came slowly. “You are forcing me to break my language vow. I’m breaking it now for you, Tony.”

His jaw tightened. “It doesn’t seem like a big ask.”

“It is to me. I made a vow. I think that’s important. Don’t you?”

He shrugged.

“Why did you come here if you wanted to fight?” she said, the words flowing faster now.

Tony turned his eyes toward the lawn. “Sorry. It’s just been hard. Not talking. Not seeing you.” He faced her again. “I did drive up to see you, to hug you, to kiss you.”

“And I told you, I have to speak in Korean.”

He nodded.

“And you aren’t supporting me,” her eyes flashed. If he couldn’t support her in this request for eight weeks, what would happen with eight months? Or eighteen years of child-raising? Her heart sank at the thought of putting herself second for eighteen years.

He pushed himself out of the chair and paced in front of her. “I don’t know, Meghan. I just thought I was—we were—more important to you than a school pledge.”

She looked at her husband pacing in front of her. Husband. They had pledged to support each other. She loved Tony; she did. She also loved herself, her own wants and needs.

 “These are my last English words, then I am returning to my language pledge, okay? If you really love me, you will support me, right? That was our wedding vow, remember?”

“I don’t remember language pledges in our wedding vows,” he said.

“I can quote it… you said, ‘You challenge me to ski faster, hike higher, learn deeper. You are exasperatingly good at Wordle. I pledge to spend the rest of my life making you happy you chose me today.’ That’s what you said.”

He nodded glumly. “Yeah. I do want to do that. It’s not fair, you know. But if that’s what you want. I’ll do it. I can keep a pledge, too. Google Translate can continue being my best friend for two more weeks.”

“How about you talk in English while we are here, but honor my Korean words?”

“I’ll take it,” Tony said, bowing a little at the waist and sitting back next to her.

“I love you,” she said in Korean, putting her hands over her heart.

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. The sun warmed their shoulders and heads. The green of the trees surrounded them like a lush blanket, the mountains in the distance proclaiming permanence.

It was time.

“Remember, I said I have something to tell you,” Meghan said in Korean, miming the concepts with her hands.

Tony tilted his head, but nodded.

She picked up her phone and typed the best she could in Korean that her plan had been to tell him in person when she got home, perhaps with a boat ride; the word for ferry not yet on her vocabulary cards.

Tony read the translation on his phone and tilted his head at her. “What are you trying to say, Meghan? Just tell me.”

Meghan picked up the phone again and texted emojis:

Then she took Tony’s hand and placed it on her belly, and mimed it growing, getting larger and larger.

Tony’s eyes widened. He stared at his hand on her belly, looked at his phone again, then back to her belly. “What? A baby? You’re pregnant?” he blurted out.

She texted.

Tony’s phone pinged, and he looked at it. “How can you even ask? I mean, it’s a lot.” He placed his head in his hands, staring at the ground. “I mean, it could change things. I mean, it will…”

Her shoulders sagged; he looked like she’d struck him. Was he wondering about finishing his program? The size of their tiny apartment? Did he want a baby now? Maybe he didn’t…

The silence of a few seconds felt like years before his eyes found hers and softened as he reached for her hand.

A gleam entered his eyes. “A baby. You’re going to be a mom. I’m a future dad.” 

He gathered Meghan’s other hand and surrounded both in his. “Yes, yes, I am happy! Thrilled, really. It’s just a lot.” 

He paused before continuing. “What kind of car seat should we buy? I mean, I’ve got a lot to research. Maybe my brother can help us.”

She leaned her head on his shoulder as the world swirled past their chairs. It wasn’t the special announcement that she wanted to plan, but she’d done it. And they were happy.

As the campus bell tolled, Meghan sat up with a start. It was time for class. She motioned to her watch and pointed to a building.

Tony picked up his phone and sent a text and he pantomimed drinking through a straw.

Meghan pulled him to standing and gave him a huge smile and a hug. He knows a strawberry milkshake always calms my tummy. She sent:

Tony gave her a final squeeze. “You go to class. I’ll be waiting for the both of you right here.”